3 eclipse月食-第79章

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“That’s　what　I　thought；”　he　said；　his　face　going　calm　again；　but　for　the　turbulent　light　in　his　eyes。　
“I　love　you；　Bella；”　he　murmured。　
“I　love　you；　Jacob；”　I　whispered　brokenly。　
He　smiled。　“I　know　that　better　than　you　do。”　
He　turned　to　walk　away。　
“Anything；”　I　called　after　him　in　a　strangled　voice。　“Anything　you　want；　Jacob。　Just　don’t　do　this！”　
He　paused；　turning　slowly。　
“I　don’t　really　think　you　mean　that。”　
“Stay；”　I　begged。　
He　shook　his　head。　“No；　I’m　going。”　He　paused；　as　if　deciding　something。　“But　I　could　leave　it　to　fate。”　
“What　do　you　mean？”　I　choked　out。　
“I　don’t　have　to　do　anything　deliberate　—　I　could　just　do　my　best　for　my　pack　and　let　what　happens　
happen。”　He　shrugged。　“If　you　could　convince　me　you　really　did　want　me　to　e　back　—　more　than　you　
wanted　to　do　the　selfless　thing。”　
“How？”　I　asked。　
“You　could　ask　me；”　he　suggested。　
“e　back；”　I　whispered。　How　could　he　doubt　that　I　meant　it？　
He　shook　his　head；　smiling　again。　“That’s　not　what　I’m　talking　about。”　

　It　took　me　a　second　to　grasp　what　he　was　saying；　and　all　the　while　he　was　looking　at　me　with　this　superior　
expression　—　so　sure　of　my　reaction。　As　soon　as　the　realization　hit；　though；　I　blurted　out　the　words　without　
stopping　to　count　the　cost。　
　“Will　you　kiss　me；　Jacob？”　
　His　eyes　widened　in　surprise；　then　narrowed　suspiciously。　“You’re　bluffing。”　
　“Kiss　me；　Jacob。　Kiss　me；　and　then　e　back。”　
　He　hesitated　in　the　shadow；　warring　with　himself。　He　halfturned　again　to　the　west；　his　torso　twisting　away　
from　me　while　his　feet　stayed　planted　where　they　were。　Still　looking　away；　he　took　one　uncertain　step　in　my　
direction；　and　then　another。　He　swung　his　face　around　to　look　at　me；　his　eyes　doubtful。　
　I　stared　back。　I　had　no　idea　what　expression　was　on　my　face。　
　Jacob　rocked　back　on　his　heels；　and　then　lurched　forward；　closing　the　distance　between　us　in　three　long　
strides。　
　I　knew　he　would　take　advantage　of　the　situation。　I　expected　it。　I　held　very　still　—　my　eyes　closed；　my　
fingers　curled　into　fists　at　my　sides　—　as　his　hands　caught　my　face　and　his　lips　found　mine　with　an　eagerness　
that　was　not　far　from　violence。　
　I　could　feel　his　anger　as　his　mouth　discovered　my　passive　resistance。　One　hand　moved　to　the　nape　of　my　
neck；　twisting　into　a　fist　around　the　roots　of　my　hair。　The　other　hand　grabbed　roughly　at　my　shoulder；　shaking　
me；　then　dragging　me　to　him。　His　hand　continued　down　my　arm；　finding　my　wrist　and　pulling　my　arm　up　
around　his　neck。　I　left　it　there；　my　hand　still　tightly　balled　up；　unsure　how　far　I　could　go　in　my　desperation　to　
keep　him　alive。　All　the　while　his　lips；　disconcertingly　soft　and　warm；　tried　to　force　a　response　out　of　mine。　
　As　soon　as　he　was　sure　I　wouldn’t　drop　my　arm；　he　freed　my　wrist；　his　hand　feeling　its　way　down　to　my　
waist。　His　burning　hand　found　the　skin　at　the　small　of　my　back；　and　he　yanked　me　forward；　bowing　my　body　
against　his。　
　His　lips　gave　up　on　mine　for　a　moment；　but　I　knew　he　was　nowhere　close　to　finished。　His　mouth　followed　
the　line　of　my　jaw；　and　then　explored　the　length　of　my　neck。　He　freed　my　hair；　reaching　for　my　other　arm　to　
draw　it　around　his　neck　like　the　first。　
　Then　both　of　his　arms　were　constricted　around　my　waist；　and　his　lips　found　my　ear。　
　“You　can　do　better　than　this；　Bella；”　he　whispered　huskily。　“You’re　overthinking　it。”　
　I　shivered　as　I　felt　his　teeth　graze　my　earlobe。　
　“That’s　right；”　he　murmured。　“For　once；　just　let　yourself　feel　what　you　feel。”　
　I　shook　my　head　mechanically　until　one　of　his　hands　wound　back　into　my　hair　and　stopped　me。　
　His　voice　turned　acidic。　“Are　you　sure　you　want　me　to　e　back？　Or　did　you　really　want　me　to　die？”　
　Anger　rocked　through　me　like　the　whiplash　after　a　heavy　punch。　That　was　too　much　—　he　wasn’t　fighting　
fair。　
　My　arms　were　already　around　his　neck；　so　I　grabbed　two　fistfuls　of　his　hair　—　ignoring　the　stabbing　pain　
in　my　right　hand　—　and　fought　back；　struggling　to　pull　my　face　away　from　his。　
　And　Jacob　misunderstood。　
　He　was　too　strong　to　recognize　that　my　hands；　trying　to　yank　his　hair　out　by　the　roots；　meant　to　cause　him　
pain。　Instead　of　anger；　he　imagined　passion。　He　thought　I　was　finally　responding　to　him。　
　With　a　wild　gasp；　he　brought　his　mouth　back　to　mine；　his　fingers　clutching　frantically　against　the　skin　at　my　
waist。　
　The　jolt　of　anger　unbalanced　my　tenuous　hold　on　selfcontrol；　his　unexpected；　ecstatic　response　overthrew　
it　entirely。　If　there　had　been　only　triumph；　I　might　have　been　able　to　resist　him。　But　the　utter　defenselessness　of　
his　sudden　joy　cracked　my　determination；　disabled　it。　My　brain　disconnected　from　my　body；　and　I　was　kissing　
him　back。　Against　all　reason；　my　lips　were　movingwith　his　in　strange；　confusing　ways　they’d　never　moved　
before　—　because　I　didn’t　have　to　be　careful　with　Jacob；　and　he　certainly　wasn’t　being　careful　with　me。　
　My　fingers　tightened　in　his　hair；　but　I　was　pulling　him　closer　now。　
　He　was　everywhere。　The　piercing　sunlight　turned　my　eyelids　red；　and　the　color　fit；　matched　the　heat。　The　
heat　was　everywhere。　I　couldn’t　see　or　hear　or　feel　anything　that　wasn’t　Jacob。　
　The　tiny　piece　of　my　brain　that　retained　sanity　screamed　questions　at　me。　
　Why　wasn’t　I　stopping　this？　Worse　than　that；　why　couldn’t　I　find　inmyself　even　the　desire　to　want　to　
stop？　What　did　it　mean　that　I　didn’t　want　him　to　stop？　That　my　hands　clung　to　his　shoulders；　and　liked　that　

they　were　wide　and　strong？　That　his　hands　pulled　me　too　tight　against　his　body；　and　yet　it　was　not　tight　enough　
for　me？　
The　questions　were　stupid；　because　I　knew　the　answer：　I’d　been　lying　to　myself。　
Jacob　was　right。　He’d　been　right　all　along。　He　was　more　than　just　my　friend。　That’s　why　it　was　so　
impossible　to　tell　him　goodbye　—　because　I　was　in　love　with　him。　Too。　I　loved　him；　much　more　than　I　should；　
and　yet；　still　nowhere　near　enough。　I　was　in　love　with　him；　but　it　was　not　enough　to　change　anything；　it　was　
only　enough　to　hurt　us　both　more。　To　hurt　him　worse　than　I　ever　had。　
I　didn’t　care　about　more　than　that　—　than　his　pain。　I　more　than　deserved　whatever　pain　this　caused　me。　I　
hoped　it　was　bad。　I　hoped　I　would　really　suffer。　
In　this　moment；　it　felt　as　though　we　were　the　same　person。　His　pain　had　always　been　and　would　always　be　
my　pain　—　now　his　joy　was　my　joy。　I　felt　joy；　too；　and　yet　his　happiness　was　somehow　also　pain。　Almost　
tangible　—　it　burned　against　my　skin　like　acid；　a　slow　torture。　
For　one　brief；　neverending　second；　an　entirely　different　path　expanded　behind　the　lids　of　my　tearwet　
eyes。　As　if　I　were　looking　through　the　filter　of　Jacob’s　thoughts；　I　could　see　exactly　what　I　was　going　to　give　
up；　exactly　what　this　new　selfknowledge　would　not　save　me　from　losing。　I　could　see　Charlie　and　Renée　
mixed　into　a　strange　collage　with　Billy　and　Sam　and　La　Push。　I　could　see　years　passing；　and　meaning　
something　as　they　passed；　changing　me。　I　could　see　the　enormous　redbrown　wolf　that　I　loved；　always　
standing　as　protector　if　I　needed　him。　For　the　tiniest　fragment　of　that　second；　I　saw　the　bobbing　heads　of　two　
small；　blackhaired　children；　running　away　from　me　into　the　familiar　forest。　When　they　disappeared；　they　took　
the　rest　of　the　vision　with　them。　
And　then；　quite　distinctly；　I　felt　the　splintering　along　the　fissure　line　in　my　heart　as　the　smaller　part　
wrenched　itself　away　from　the　whole。　
Jacob’s　lips　were　still　before　mine　were。　I　opened　my　eyes　and　he　was　staring　at　me　with　wonder　and　
elation。　
“I　have　to　leave；”　he　whispered。　
“No。”　
He　smiled；　pleased　by　my　response。　“I　won’t　be　long；”　he　promised。　“But　one　thing　first　。　。　。”　
He　bent　to　kiss　me　again；　and　there　was　no　reason　to　resist。　What　would　be　the　point？　
This　time　was　different。　His　hands　were　soft　on　my　face　and　his　warm　lips　were　gentle；　unexpectedly　
hesitant。　It　was　brief；　and　very；　very　sweet。　
His　arms　curled　around　me；　and　he　hugged　me　securely　while　he　whispered　in　my　ear。　
“That　should　have　been　our　first　kiss。　Better　late　than　never。”　
Against　his　chest；　where　he　couldn’t　see；　the　tears　welled　up　and　spilled　over。　

　24。　SNAP　DECISION　


I　LAY　FACEDOWN　ACROSS　THE　SLEEPING　BAG；　WAITING　for　justice　to　find　me。　Maybe　an　avalanche　would　bury　
me　here。　I　wished　it　would。　I　never　wanted　to　have　to　see　my　face　in　the　mirror　again。　
　There　was　no　sound　to　warn　me。　Out　of　nowhere；　Edward’s　cold　hand　stroked　against　my　knotted　hair。　I　
shuddered　guiltily　at　his　touch。　
　“Are　you　all　right？”　he　murmured；　his　voice　anxious。　
　“No。　I　want　to　die。”　
　“That　will　never　happen。　I　won’t　allow　it。”　
　I　groaned　and　then　whispered；　“You　might　change　your　mind　about　that。”　
　“Where’s　Jacob？”　
　“He　went　to　fight；”　I　mumbled　into　the　floor。　
　Jacob　had　left　the　little　camp　joyfully　—　with　a　cheerful　“I’ll　be　right　back”　—　running　full　tilt　for　the　
clearing；　already　quivering　as　he　prepared　to　shift　to　his　other　self。　By　now　the　whole　pack　knew　everything。　
Seth　Clearwater；　pacing　outside　the　tent；　was　an　intimate　witness　to　my　disgrace。　
　Edward　was　silent　for　a　long　moment。　“Oh；”　he　finally　said。　
　The　tone　of　his　voice　worried　me　that　my